The Way to a Woman's Heart Read online

Once George had insisted on shaking hands solemnly again, and Ash had been introduced to the dogs, the cats and three of the hens by name, and they’d all helped in hauling the remainder of his luggage from the estate car into the hall, Poll suggested to Ella that it might be kinder to Ash if she removed George and the animals to the relative calm of the garden again.

  ‘OK.’ Ella nodded, grabbing George’s hand. ‘Is there anything you’d like me to do for lunch?’

  ‘Good heavens, no, you’ve only just arrived yourself. I’m being a completely useless hostess.’ Poll shook her head. ‘Actually, lunch is all ready, thanks. And as soon as Ash is unloaded we’ll be able to eat and drink all afternoon and have a lovely chat together.’

  ‘Great.’ Ella grinned. ‘Come on then, George, we’ve got a motorway to construct.’

  Once they were alone again, Poll looked at Ash. ‘As soon as you and Joe have finished, please come and have some lunch with us.’

  ‘Thanks, but I did promise I’d drop Joe off at work and then go and pick Roy up as soon as I’d unpacked. It’s not far so we shouldn’t be long. We don’t like being apart.’

  Poll smiled happily at such devotion. ‘Of course you don’t. Maybe you and Roy could join us, then? I’ve done loads of food and we can all get to know one another. Come straight through the house and into the garden when you get back. Oh, I’m so pleased you’re here. It’s going to be such fun.’

  Ash nodded. ‘I think it is, too. Thanks so much for this, Poll. I’m really grateful.’

  Poll waved her hands. ‘Don’t mention it. And we’re all going to get on brilliantly. Ella is a lovely girl and –’

  ‘Very pretty.’

  ‘Very,’ Poll agreed. ‘And she’s left her boyfriend behind in London to come and work here. I do hope she won’t miss him too much. Still, at least you and Roy will soon be reunited, won’t you?’

  Ash smiled. ‘We will. I can’t wait to get him settled in. He’s really going to love it here.’

  Poll was lovely if ever-so-slightly mad, Ella decided as, with the sun beating relentlessly on her back, she and George industriously tunnelled through the dirt pit. And Ash Lawrence was, she thought with only a momentary flicker of guilt about Mark, without doubt the most beautiful man she’d ever seen. She’d be sharing her life – her perfect new, albeit crazy, rustic life – living in the same house as the Most Stunning Man in the Entire World.

  Oooh, damn it. The Most Stunning Very Gay Loved Up Man in the Entire World. And all her friends had told her she should make this break permanent, and that she was bound to find a far more suitable man and forget about Mark, and Ella had robustly denied it, scoffing at the very thought that she should be so shallow.

  And then, with no warning, there he was – Ash Lawrence – her ideal man. Except, of course, he wasn’t, because one, she didn’t know him at all and two, he was gay, and three – great big three – she was in love with Mark. She sighed and concentrated on channelling away at another dirt tunnel.

  Poll drifted out of the kitchen door and collapsed on to a wooden seat. ‘Whoo, it’s sooo hot. We’ve had so many wash-outs recently I’d forgotten what hot summers were like. Is George OK?’

  ‘Fine,’ Ella said, blowing strands of dusty hair away from her face. ‘Says he likes Ash a lot and wants to meet Roy now. And I hope you don’t mind but I found some juice in the fridge so we’ve both had a drink, oh, and I found a sunhat for him in the kitchen.’

  ‘Bless you, I can see you’re clearly going to be a godsend. I didn’t mean for you to start work straight away – you must be so tired after your journey – I do appreciate it.’

  ‘No problem,’ Ella said cheerfully, as George issued a string of construction instructions. ‘And if this is work then I’m more than happy.’

  ‘Well, I’m still mortified. I’d planned to serve up jugs of iced fruit juice and lashings of food and welcome you properly. My life never seems to run to plan – but you’re obviously brilliantly resourceful. I just knew you would be. So? What do you think?’

  ‘About what? Oh, Ash Lawrence? After my embarrassing little girlie fan gush, you know very well what I think.’

  Poll laughed.

  Ella pulled a face. ‘Not funny. I only hope he didn’t hear. So, I gather the devastating Ash is happy up there? And where’s Roy hiding?’

  ‘Ash is very happy with the room, yes, and is just about to go and collect Roy from the place where he’s been staying. Ash has been sleeping in the car because there wasn’t room for him. Isn’t that sad?’

  ‘Very. And it’s also very sad, given that he’s possibly the sexiest bloke on the planet, that he’s gay. But I still don’t understand why Roy doesn’t have his own car. Why can’t he drive here himself here? If he’s working on pylons as the Berkshire equivalent of the Wichita Lineman he must have transport. Has he lost his licence do you reckon?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Poll shook her head. ‘But you’ll be able to ask him all those questions yourself pretty soon – that sounds like Ash driving off along the lane now to fetch him. He shouldn’t be too long.’

  He wasn’t. Less than half an hour later, heralded by George’s screams of excitement from his dirt-pit quarrying, Ash Lawrence appeared in the kitchen doorway.

  ‘Hi!’ He looked around with appreciation. ‘Oh, this is gorgeous out here, isn’t it? I’ve collected Roy. I’ll just get his stuff upstairs, and is it OK if I put his food in the freezer?’

  ‘Of course,’ Poll said. ‘Does he have a special diet? You should have said. I’d have got some things in for him specially.’

  Ash smiled the melting smile again. ‘I wouldn’t dream of it. Roy’s well stocked up. Look, I’ll just do the food thing – he’s still in the car. Why don’t you go and say hello?’

  Poll and Ella nodded and, with George and the lorries following, made their way through the house.

  ‘I don’t want to be non-pc here,’ Ella whispered as they reached the front door, ‘but do you think Roy’s, well, OK? I mean, it all seems a bit odd. Him being the one staying somewhere while Ash slept rough, and not helping with the move, the special diet, and now not getting out of the car – you don’t think he’s, um, sort of well, disabled in some way, do you?’

  Poll shook her head. ‘Lord knows. I hope not because I haven’t fitted ramps or anything and I would have if I’d known. But Ash didn’t say anything about it at our previous meetings, and my solicitor certainly didn’t mention anything in his searches.’

  Ella peered at Poll. ‘These legal searches and reports – how closely did you read them?’

  Poll shrugged. ‘Well, I didn’t read every word, naturally – I mean, once the solicitor had assured me that the criminal records checks were all clear, and I’d skimmed through the basics…’

  ‘You gave up?’

  ‘Well, yes. There were dozens of pages of the stuff. But Roy was OK. The solicitor said so, in fact, he laughed when he said it, so I knew I’d got nothing to worry about. And Roy works shinning up and down those massive pylons, doesn’t he? He can’t be, um, disabled or ill in any way, can he? Maybe he’s just shy?’

  ‘And maybe he’s just slightly ashamed of being a hell’s angel or something equally antisocial?’ Ella said as they clattered down the steps towards Ash’s estate car. ‘And maybe the solicitor has a warped sense of humour. And maybe the special diet is bats and fresh blood and – Jesus Christ!’

  ‘What?’ Poll stopped walking. ‘What’s the matter?’

  Ella jabbed a finger at the car. ‘Works on pylons my eye! Dear God, Poll – I’m not surprised the solicitor laughed. Why the hell didn’t you read those legal reports?’

  Poll frowned. ‘Why? What’s wrong with him? Oh, poor Roy. Is he badly incapacitated? Awfully disfigured? Doesn’t he work on pylons, then?’

  ‘No, Poll. Roy definitely doesn’t work on pylons. In fact, Roy doesn’t work anywhere at all. Roy’s a bloody python.’

  Chapter Seven

  Recoiling mesmerised, neither
of them spoke. Oblivious to their stunned silence, George was standing on tiptoe, excitedly peering into the car, making cooing noises.

  ‘Poll?’ Ella whispered. ‘Breathe. Say something.’

  Poll, still staring at Roy, grabbed a protesting George to safety and cleared her throat. ‘Right – yes, OK – what? Such as?’

  Ella swallowed. ‘Anything. Anything at all that might be reassuring. Anything that won’t make me more shivery than I already am.’

  ‘Are you frightened?’

  ‘Frightened? Of… him… it… Roy? Yep, I think I am. Aren’t you?’

  ‘A little disturbed, yes. He’s come as quite a shock. OK, er, so, let’s be practical… I’m a vegetarian, so what do pythons eat?’

  ‘Cats, dogs, chickens and small boys?’ Ella hazarded, her eyes transfixed on the mass of softly undulating coils crammed in the small tank on the back seat of Ash’s car. ‘Lord knows, but you can bet your life it won’t be Quorn or tofu.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ Poll swallowed, anchoring George firmly to her side. ‘And whatever it is, Ash has just put it in the freezer.’

  ‘Look on the bright side, then, at least it must be dead.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Are you a snake-o-phobe?’

  ‘Ophidiophobic?’ Poll said faintly. ‘No idea. Are you?’

  ‘I didn’t think I was, but I think I might be now.’

  Ella, feeling involuntary shivers prickle her skin despite the searing heat, stared at the python. The python slowly raised its head and stared back. Then, clearly bored, it gave a sort of shrug and subsided into its coils.

  ‘It’s… he’s… Roy’s actually quite pretty,’ Ella said, rubbing her arms and wishing the goosebumps would subside. ‘He’s got lovely markings – like a big tabby cat – and he’s got very, um, kind eyes.’

  Poll cleared her throat again. ‘Yes, I suppose he has. And I know he has to be marked like that for camouflage, but don’t you think he’d be slightly less intimidating if he were turquoise or pale pink? With sequins?’

  Ella frowned. ‘Er, no.’

  Poll shrugged. ‘Oh, is it just me, then? Am I the only one who always visualises spiders in pastel shades to be able to cope with them? If you think of them as lilac and lemon and rose and sky-blue stars scuttling around it makes them a lot less scary.’

  ‘Yeah, OK, I’ll take your word for that.’ Ella stared doubtfully at Poll. ‘But Roy isn’t a spider, pastel or otherwise, neither is he turquoise with sequins. He’s a huge brownish python – and we’ve got to live with it, er, him.’

  ‘I know. Oh dear, will it be safe to be sharing the house with him?’

  ‘I really don’t see what else you can do, having invited Ash and… him… Roy – weird name for a snake – to make their homes here. Obviously Roy being a reptile was the reason for them being chucked out of their last place and, as you’ve rescued them from that, you can’t do the same thing, can you?’

  ‘No,’ Poll sighed. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘And anyway, he’ll be living in a sort of python secure unit, won’t he? It’s not like he’ll be slithering up and downstairs for breakfast, or wanting to share the sofa to watch telly or anything, is it?’

  ‘Don’t!’ Poll groaned. ‘I told you I always got things wrong. I could have sworn he said pylon. I really should have listened more carefully and, yes, OK, read the solicitor’s reports. How big is it, do you think?’

  ‘About three miles,’ Ella said with a shudder.

  ‘Slightly under six feet, actually.’ Ash Lawrence leaped nimbly down the stone steps. ‘He’s just a baby. And he’s a ball python, not a Burmese or a Royal, so he won’t get much bigger. Isn’t he fabulous?’

  Poll and Ella nodded doubtfully. George clapped his hands.

  ‘Would you like to stroke him?’ Ash opened the car’s door.

  Poll and Ella squeaked, shook their heads in synchrony and retreated. George clapped his hands even more and rushed forwards. Poll grabbed at him again.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Ash said soothingly. ‘Roy doesn’t bite – he’s not venomous. He’s a constrictor.’

  ‘Thank goodness for that,’ Ella said faintly. ‘That means we only have to worry about being squeezed to death.’

  Ash chuckled. ‘Roy’s very well behaved and only squeezes when he’s hungry or frightened. And he’s currently neither of those. He’s been well fed this morning. He won’t need another meal for a week or so.’

  ‘Um, good,’ Poll croaked. ‘And actually, I’ve just said to Ella that I’m a vegetarian, so, about the feeding… ?’

  ‘Small rodents.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Sorry, yes, but pre-packed and pre-frozen. Nothing cute and furry and scampering.’

  Ella frowned. ‘Not now, maybe, but once upon a time…’

  Ash sighed. ‘I know, but I can’t change nature, can I? Much as I’d love to throw him a handful of pine nuts and a small spinach quiche, it isn’t going to happen. Poor Roy – he’s had such a bad time.’

  ‘Has he?’ Poll’s eyes immediately softened. ‘Oh, dear.’

  ‘He’d been abandoned by someone who thought having a python was cool, then discovered it wasn’t. Then he had a short stint as a nightclub dancer’s accessory, which was awful for him. So, I took him on and nursed him back to health – but my employer had a no pets rule, and I got found out, and, well, you know the rest. Then you were so wonderfully kind and unprejudiced about reptiles, and amazingly generous with your offer of a new home, and here we are.’

  ‘And you’re very welcome,’ Poll said stoutly. ‘Both of you.’

  Ella chuckled to herself.

  ‘But,’ Poll said quickly, ‘I really must be sure that he… Roy… won’t escape or want to eat George or the cats or dogs or the chickens. You hear such awful things, don’t you?’

  ‘I solemnly promise you,’ Ash said, straight-faced, ‘that no one, or nothing, is at risk. Believe me, I wouldn’t have imposed on your generosity if I knew differently. Roy has a securely locked vivarium, and is more than happy with his, um, frozen ready meals. Even if he escaped – which he won’t – he’d only be looking for company and somewhere warm to sleep, not foraging for food.’

  ‘OK.’ Poll heaved a sigh of relief. ‘That’s absolutely fine then – I think.’

  Ash leaned into the car and opened the travelling tank. ‘Come and stroke him.’

  Ella dragged her eyes away from the tight T-shirt and jeans stretched over a fabulous body.

  ‘Stop drooling,’ Poll hissed. ‘You’re attached and, remember, he’s gay.’

  ‘Actually,’ Ella hissed back, ‘he might not be, because you only thought he was gay because you thought Roy was the Berkshire Wichita Lineman. Now we know Roy is – well – reptilian, it might mean that Ash is superbly heterosexual, mightn’t it?’

  ‘Well,’ Poll said doubtfully, ‘since you put it like that, he might be, I suppose.’

  Ella beamed. Every cloud and all that. Not that she was going to think about Ash in that way, of course – she had more than enough on her plate with Mark – but it was nice to know.

  Ash now had most of Roy looped over his arms. ‘Come and say hi. He’s really friendly – lazy and laid-back. And I must get him upstairs into his permanent home fairly quickly. This little box is only for transport and whatever happens he mustn’t get cold – even today’s heat would feel Siberian to Roy. Oh, Joe and I have already set up his tank in my room –’ he glanced over his shoulder at Poll as George reached forwards eagerly ‘– and I know I’ll have to sort out extra payments for the electricity. There!’ He grinned down at George. ‘He’s smiling. He likes you.’

  George stroked Roy’s blunt-nosed head gently and cooed happily. Despite Ash’s earlier assurances, Poll and Ella still stared anxiously.

  ‘Come on.’ Ash held the armful of python towards Ella. ‘Snakes get a rotten press. They aren’t cold and slimy. Roy’s warm and smooth and totally adorable.’

  Pretty much like his own
er then, Ella thought, stretching out a tentative and slightly trembling hand and touching Roy’s perfectly patterned velvety skin.

  She stopped, surprised. ‘Oh… he’s nothing like I thought he’d be, and I can feel him breathing. Oh, bless him. He’s lovely.’

  Ella and Ash shared a proud-parent eye-meet moment. Ella, suddenly feeling very warm, looked away first.

  Poll, clearly not wanting to be outdone, also ran a reluctant hand briefly over Roy’s beautifully marked skin, then smiled at her own bravery. ‘Oh, yes, he’s cute. Not cold or scary at all. There. Now we’re all friends. So, would you like to pop him upstairs into his new quarters? And come and join us for some late lunch in the garden?’

  ‘That sounds wonderful,’ Ash said, hoisting Roy round his neck and looking at Ella. ‘Would you mind just taking his tail end so that it doesn’t knock against anything as we go upstairs? Snakes bruise very easily. Look, just hold out your hands and take the weight – he’s quite relaxed. Thanks, that’s great.’

  Ella, carefully carrying several feet of surprisingly heavy python, felt ridiculously proud of herself. And with Poll opening doors and George dodging between them stroking whichever bits of Roy came to hand, they made their way up to Hideaway Farm’s second floor.

  Ella couldn’t help thinking as she climbed the stairs that life had taken a pretty crazy turn. Somewhere around that overgrown signpost her old normal life had ended and this new bizarre existence had started. This morning she’d been in London, and it could have been decades ago.

  Now, merely hours later, she was in a remote Berkshire farmhouse with ditzy Poll, a very cute small boy who’d already stolen her heart, an even cuter homeless maybe-gay ex-chef, and carrying the tail end of a python.

  Ah well, she’d told Mark she’d wanted a complete life change, hadn’t she?

  They’d just reached Ash’s room when the phone rang noisily in the hall below.

  ‘Sorry.’ Poll pulled a face. ‘I’ll have to go and answer it. It might be important. It might be the plumber – or maybe even Billy or Trixie letting me know when they’re arriving.’